if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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