she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
