I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize