Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you need anything just hit me up
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it