I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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