I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
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youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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