I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
