"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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