I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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