Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
