Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
