Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
