He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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