I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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