Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
