Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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