I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
