You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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