I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
