There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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