even my farts smell like vagina
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Found the puke drawer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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