Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
