Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
