every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
