My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
