so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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