god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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