I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
