Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
