I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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