A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
