What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
