Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.