I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.