wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.