cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
