T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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