Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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