Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
