Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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