If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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