We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
