What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
