either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
two words...techno handjob
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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