Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
