I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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