Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
