Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize