So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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