can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
