I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
