Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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