oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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