remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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