She is in my trunk
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
