How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
