Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
